Once we become adults, we can re-write our childhood histories. If we are lucky and become far removed enough from the situation...our history can become whatever we want it to be. Sometimes our memories fade to save us heartache, such as traumatic experiences from our youth.
My first memory as a child was taking a drink of water and feeling it hit the bottom of my stomach. I was hungry and scared. And my puppy wouldn't stop yelping. He was hungry too. My stepfather took him out behind the wood pile. I heard a shot...and I never saw my puppy again. I was too afraid to cry...for fear of meeting the same fate as my puppy. To this day...I can't let myself bond with a dog.
My next jolt of memory was a couple of years later when my "Aunt Jody" held me and rocked me to sleep and told me how much she loved me. She read stories to me nightly from a book called Uncle Wriggly's Travels. Funny twisted stories of a Rabbit! I got my own Etch-A-Sketch and a little record player and the cutest yellow polka dot bikini. She was a Nurse at the hospital my Mom was in...and Aunt Jody and Uncle Cecil became my family. I remember feeling loved, and very special when I was with them.
I was in my Brownie Scout uniform just after the meeting. I was 6 or 7...there was an argument between my Aunt Jody and a nice looking tall man at the door. This man picked me up and ran to the car where a much younger woman...that I would soon get to know as my Stepmother, and her witch of a mom were waiting. I was again afraid to cry. I knew if I did...I was going to be taken somewhere and shot. We drove all night...it seemed like forever. I didn't really like these people...
Trying to settle in with my new "family" in North Carolina wasn't easy. I was confused and angry at the world and couldn't understand at such a young age why my Aunt Jody wasn't around. She SAID she loved me! Why did she give me away? The North Carolina family consisted of an older brother and sister...and a younger half sister...and of course my Stepmother's mom...the DEVIL in not so much of a disguise.
This new family eventually told me my Aunt Jody had died in hopes that I would settle down and stop wanting to go back to live with her. I guess I believed it...I had no choice. As in most unexpected situations we find ourselves in with groups of people we hardly know...we soon pick an ally. My older sister Kathy (I decided) was going to be my "earth angel" and she quickly took on the role as my protector and my best friend.
My parents fought like cats and dogs. Well...my Stepmom was the one who did the fighting...my Dad just kept his mouth shut. I wanted them to just be happy, and if this is what marriage was...I wanted no part of it when I grew up! I had never seen that with my Aunt Jody and Uncle Cecil...they were a very happy couple. But my Dad just did whatever the witch and my Step Mom wanted him to do...anything to keep the peace in the family. He worked at long hours at the fire department and also was a mechanic who had a garage behind the house. He worked all of the time...although we always had dinner together as a family. Looking back, I knew that money was tight. I never considered us poor...even though the girls had to take baths together to save water and money. Isn't that what all families did?
One night in early June...my older sister didn't come home. The phone rang while we were all at the dinner table. It was Kathy. She had run away to South Carolina at 15 to get married before her fiance' got sent to Vietnam. All hell broke loose! My stepmom started screaming, throwing dishes and wrecking the house and forbid my sister to ever come back home. I was not allowed to see her again and none of us were allowed to talk to her. I didn't know if my Stepmom had a gun...but I wasn't going to take a chance on finding out so I just kept quiet. My Sister, my protector and my best friend was gone in the blink of an eye. I was only 12...and my world as I knew it would never be the same.
There are lessons in life we learn...that we would be better off forgetting. I found out at a young age that love is indeed conditional. It is conditioned on how well you behave, lasts only as long as the people want you around and heaven forbid you do or say the wrong thing. I have learned that people disappear from your life even when you didn't do anything to send them away. They have to do what is best for them. But sometimes they try to convince you that it is what's best for you. I never bought that.
I am still trying to unlearn many lessons of youth. Relationships aren't easy. It's still difficult to trust anyone with my heart. I rarely meet anyone I am willing to take that chance with. And when I do...I run or seriously mess things up before giving it a chance. I put the perimeter walls up quickly. The fear of abandonment always surfaces. I may say or do the wrong thing and my world will end...again. During these times it all comes back to me in memories that I can't seem to suppress.
My first memory as a child was taking a drink of water and feeling it hit the bottom of my stomach. I was hungry and scared. And my puppy wouldn't stop yelping. He was hungry too. My stepfather took him out behind the wood pile. I heard a shot...and I never saw my puppy again. I was too afraid to cry...for fear of meeting the same fate as my puppy. To this day...I can't let myself bond with a dog.
My next jolt of memory was a couple of years later when my "Aunt Jody" held me and rocked me to sleep and told me how much she loved me. She read stories to me nightly from a book called Uncle Wriggly's Travels. Funny twisted stories of a Rabbit! I got my own Etch-A-Sketch and a little record player and the cutest yellow polka dot bikini. She was a Nurse at the hospital my Mom was in...and Aunt Jody and Uncle Cecil became my family. I remember feeling loved, and very special when I was with them.
I was in my Brownie Scout uniform just after the meeting. I was 6 or 7...there was an argument between my Aunt Jody and a nice looking tall man at the door. This man picked me up and ran to the car where a much younger woman...that I would soon get to know as my Stepmother, and her witch of a mom were waiting. I was again afraid to cry. I knew if I did...I was going to be taken somewhere and shot. We drove all night...it seemed like forever. I didn't really like these people...
Trying to settle in with my new "family" in North Carolina wasn't easy. I was confused and angry at the world and couldn't understand at such a young age why my Aunt Jody wasn't around. She SAID she loved me! Why did she give me away? The North Carolina family consisted of an older brother and sister...and a younger half sister...and of course my Stepmother's mom...the DEVIL in not so much of a disguise.
This new family eventually told me my Aunt Jody had died in hopes that I would settle down and stop wanting to go back to live with her. I guess I believed it...I had no choice. As in most unexpected situations we find ourselves in with groups of people we hardly know...we soon pick an ally. My older sister Kathy (I decided) was going to be my "earth angel" and she quickly took on the role as my protector and my best friend.
My parents fought like cats and dogs. Well...my Stepmom was the one who did the fighting...my Dad just kept his mouth shut. I wanted them to just be happy, and if this is what marriage was...I wanted no part of it when I grew up! I had never seen that with my Aunt Jody and Uncle Cecil...they were a very happy couple. But my Dad just did whatever the witch and my Step Mom wanted him to do...anything to keep the peace in the family. He worked at long hours at the fire department and also was a mechanic who had a garage behind the house. He worked all of the time...although we always had dinner together as a family. Looking back, I knew that money was tight. I never considered us poor...even though the girls had to take baths together to save water and money. Isn't that what all families did?
One night in early June...my older sister didn't come home. The phone rang while we were all at the dinner table. It was Kathy. She had run away to South Carolina at 15 to get married before her fiance' got sent to Vietnam. All hell broke loose! My stepmom started screaming, throwing dishes and wrecking the house and forbid my sister to ever come back home. I was not allowed to see her again and none of us were allowed to talk to her. I didn't know if my Stepmom had a gun...but I wasn't going to take a chance on finding out so I just kept quiet. My Sister, my protector and my best friend was gone in the blink of an eye. I was only 12...and my world as I knew it would never be the same.
There are lessons in life we learn...that we would be better off forgetting. I found out at a young age that love is indeed conditional. It is conditioned on how well you behave, lasts only as long as the people want you around and heaven forbid you do or say the wrong thing. I have learned that people disappear from your life even when you didn't do anything to send them away. They have to do what is best for them. But sometimes they try to convince you that it is what's best for you. I never bought that.
I am still trying to unlearn many lessons of youth. Relationships aren't easy. It's still difficult to trust anyone with my heart. I rarely meet anyone I am willing to take that chance with. And when I do...I run or seriously mess things up before giving it a chance. I put the perimeter walls up quickly. The fear of abandonment always surfaces. I may say or do the wrong thing and my world will end...again. During these times it all comes back to me in memories that I can't seem to suppress.
But life goes on. I have heard it said that God never gives you a dream...without also giving you the ability to make it come true. So I have a dream...and as idealistic as it is...I DO believe that it's possible. But for now...I must get better at understanding it all. And one day...I will no longer have a fear of being shot.
We become our scars if we let them, Sandi. Although we haven't seen each other that much, I will always have your back.
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