The Debt I Will Always Owe...

Sometimes...you just want someone to take the lead...if only for a moment. Carry the weight...or even just help to share the load.  Walk in your shoes...take the load off...give you a day of no responsibility...And then it hit's you as the memories start to surface...they already have.  And with open arms. And you may not have even given it a second thought at the time...or much weight in the big scheme of things.  But people rise to the expectations of the people they care about and admire.  Don't they?  Or do they? 

Either way...I'm indebted to those who have guided me through the years...ever so softly with a gentle nudge...and even those who just said what's on their mind.  I've been truly blessed to be surrounded by those who care, even with ties that are complex and oh so intricate.  I feel the love...and sometimes the fear...and of course...the pride...and I think I am ok with that. 

So as I relax into the thought of being pampered...truly spoiled...and loved with every beat of a heart...I'm reminded...

And I mean that...

No Thanks Doc...Keep Your Pictures...Today Is Mine...

       There are many photos of life that you enjoy seeing. Memories that lay dormant in your mind like a stone...but come very much alive when you see the face or the place in the picture.

I was sent home from what I thought was a fairly routine screening procedure with 5 colored pictures...high resolution no less. After being sedated with "Milk Of Amnesia"...I supposedly woke up and spoke with the Doctor or nurse. I agreed to be in his office at 8:30 on Wednesday morning to swallow a camera pill. Oh boy! Why? What are we looking for here? Are these pictures I'm holding photo shop? What am I suppose to do with them?

And it starts...the Google Search. Trying to figure out what in the world they are looking for...and what is this thing in these pictures that looks like an ulcer?

So what if this is it? The bullet of The Big C? Have I dodged it long enough? It's a family thing you know...seems to be anyway.

If it's my turn...how will I react? I would hope to be one of those strong activist types...determined to fight and win my battle and the battle for all who suffer. But what if I fall coward to the fear of the unknown?

So for now, since I know absolutely nothing more than I did before my research...I think it's best to enjoy the day...have a blast with the people in my world...be thankful for the life within me and the love that surrounds me...even from a distance.

We never know. I don't think we have expiration dates. Either you believe that life is pre-destined...or you believe that we choose our fate. I could walk outside and have a tree fall or my head. The sky could fall...I may get hit by a Mac Truck...but either way, we are all going to be alive until we die...or that's what the odds say anyway. 

Today...I'm still here...the sun is shining...and it's time to go outside and play...

http://youtu.be/eq7DGPYzAvg

The Art of Giving

I've sometimes wondered if the gratification that one gets when they unselfishly give of themselves (or their resources) is really just a selfish act.

Is there an ulterior motive? An effort to win acceptance...or a desire to belong? Could there be a  manipulative angle deep within human generosity?  Is the act of kindness really done with a pure heart? 

Giving is much like loving...and it needs no explanation...some people just love to give.  Do you remember how happy you have felt when the card, the gift or the random act of kindness that you gave someone was met with a smile, or a hug?  You are floating when you know you made the right gift decision.


When I have experienced my most splendid moments...my most honest and open...my happiest...is when I have seen the stress in someone...give way to a more playful nature.  Life is then on even ground.  There are no titles or social armour as we see each other at our most honest and vulnerable. 


Is anyone a friend of One Million Acts of Kindness of Facebook?  This really cool Guy and his dog Bogart travel around to Universities all over the country sharing how we can positively affect the world with kindness.  They live in (and drive) a school bus painted with slogans of kindness and inspiration. 


While I'm not sure I'm the type of girl who would want to live on a school bus...I feel I have a purpose in life that has not yet been revealed to me.  It has much to do with giving, but how is one to know what their destiny really is?  Can't see myself in Kenya helping an orphanage, although I sincerely admire those who do.

So I am sure I will be enticed once again to "ponder" all of this over my morning coffee,

Maybe it would be wise for me to just listen.  I have an unfamiliar but wonderful feeling inside.  The story of what I am to do with my life...is about to be unveiled...

And I don't want to miss a thing...

What Do YOU Think?

I think I've always been someone who ponders things more than others.   I can be extremely introspective...or at least I've pondered that thought a time or two.  Or maybe even the third time...if it was necessary...of course. :)

It's been said that a newborn will die without human touch.  This is why they are held and coddled in the nursery...not just fed and left alone.

I heard an elderly woman in the nail salon say "I'm a widow and my family lives so far away...If I didn't get my hair done once a week and my nails done...I wouldn't have any human touch whatsoever."

We all chuckled with her, but it was sad to realize the truth in her statement.  What happens to the spirit of an adult with no human touch?  

I've always been a hugger...I just love a hug!  It seems innocent enough and not extremely intrusive.  May be it's a Southern thing.   I can't very well go up and hug every stranger I meet...as they would surely think I'm loony.  But I do manage to get my much needed hug in every now and then.   

So if I'm going to ponder the effects of human touch...my mind naturally wanders to "The Kiss".  It's much easier to sneak a hug...than it is to go around with puckered lips...ready to kiss the world.

In my years of being single...of course I have the mental "checklist" of things that are important to me in a significant other.  Close to the very top of the list is GREAT KISSER.  It doesn't matter what other attributes they have...if they aren't a good kisser...I'm not sticking around.

The eyes are said to be the windows of the soul...and for me...the lips hold the story of the heart.   The kiss conveys the story of our heart and soul.

So next time you kiss someone...whether it be a parent...a sibling...a child...or a significant other...take notice.

After all...it's a conversation between the heart and soul that you may not want to miss...

Martini Memories From a Hotel Diva...

I could have named this Memories of Martini's from a Hotel Diva...but the Martini's were an important part of this evening...so I had to give them top billing.  You understand...I'm sure.


When you work in a hotel, you hear all kinds of stories.  I have a mentor turned best friend by the name of Cindy Marr.  When I met Cindy, she was the Director of Sales for the Hilton Riverfront and has a reputation of being the BEST of the BEST!  Truly a Legend in the industry.  Now she is retired from the Hotel business and runs Coastal Relo Associates...my Real Estate/Property Management Company.  

We get together sometimes with one intention...to RELAX...and this pajama party had a Chocolate Martini theme.  Godiva Chocolate Martinis...YUM...and then Cindy started telling stories..

THE MISSING MAKEUP BAG

A couple had checked out of the Hilton the day before when the wife called back and asked for the Sales Department.  Cindy happened to answer the phone and spoke with the wife.  She wanted to find out if someone could go into the room and get her makeup bag she left.  Cindy said "I will be glad to transfer you to the lost and found department, and they can help you".   A bit flustered the woman replied "I did and they said it's not there...but I know it is and I need your help".  Curiously Cindy asked "what can I do for you?"   The woman giggled and said "this is embarrassing...but I put it between the headboard of the bed and the wall because we were trying not to make so much noise"

The Chocolate Martini was almost gone...

PANORAMIC VIEWS
A few years ago the Hilton was host to several prominent Japanese business men.  The sun was setting and they were all sitting at a round table in the bar enjoying their beverages.  If you have ever been in the bar of the Hilton, you know it has a wonderful view of the River and everything that is on it.

The Japanese men were chattering away and appeared to be enjoying themselves.  Cindy was talking to the bartender and noticed that the interpreter had a strange look on his face.  He appeared a bit uncomfortable.  The men had raised their voices and were all pointing out the window.  Cindy had to find out what the problem was.  As she approached the table and asked the interpreter what they were upset about he shook his head.  "Can you tell me what they are saying?" inquired Cindy.   "They are saying that damn Battleship is the one that bombed our island!"

After another Martini...

FAMOUS GUESTS

Cindy has met just about every movie star since the first film was shot in Wilmington.  Drew Barrymore was the very first "star" to stay at the Hilton while shooting a movie.  As we were discussing how nice Andy Griffin was before several season's of Matlock...she started pulling out mementos from her career days.  Even a personalized hand written note from Red Skelton! 

"It was fun...I had my share of laughs...especially when I was re-directing the secret service to the long hall next to the ballroom for President Reagan to enter...I was walking backwards and bumped right into Reagan. But he was very warm and gracious"

"It wasn't the movie stars that got on my last nerve...it was those political dictionary's!  They were JERKS"



And that is when I cut her off!









The Bed and My Addiction

We've all had them.   Days when you just can't win for losing. The alarm doesn't go off, you forgot to set the coffee maker the night before and then you can't decide what to wear. You go through the motions anyway...get dressed in something you really don't like..and blame it on the fact that you haven't had your coffee.

OK the coffee is ready now. So you head back to the kitchen...pour your first cup of Java...and use the very last bit of your favorite "french vanilla" creamer. As soon as you reach for the cup... you spill it all over you and the clothes you WERE going to wear. After changing clothes again...you realize the jewelry couldn't be more wrong for the outfit. At this point of course...well you get my drift...a girl's gotta do the right thing!

A half hour later...you are scrambling to get out the door...and it suddenly occurs to you that you have NO IDEA where your keys are. After 20 minutes of looking under everything except your toothbrush (having wrecked you house in the process) they suddenly appear hidden under the phone that didn't ring to wake you up this morning.

You get in your car...start to leave the house and realize that you forgot your cell phone...oh crap...can't leave home without it...head back inside to get the phone...lock the door behind you and get back in the car.  A quick trip through the drive through at Port City Java to FINALLY get a cup of coffee will make everything alright...UNTIL...you get to the window and realize you left your purse at home...

Now we have heard that Crack Addicts will do anything to get a fix...and at this point I was willing to do anything for a cup of coffee.  I considered jumping out of the car and panhandling for enough money to get that coffee...but as I looked at my hand...it became obvious.  MY RING!  It's just a tiny little princess ring...but it's 18K Gold...and I figured it could buy me the time I needed to drink my coffee and run home and get my money. 

So I DID IT...I pawned my ring to the girl at Port City Java for a cup of coffee...(at least for a few minutes).  YES I have a problem.  I'm addicted to having that first cup of coffee...and if I don't...I am better off  just staying in bed!

The Fear of Being Shot

Once we become adults, we can re-write our childhood histories. If we are lucky and become far removed enough from the situation...our history can become whatever we want it to be. Sometimes our memories fade to save us heartache, such as traumatic experiences from our youth.

My first memory as a child was taking a drink of water and feeling it hit the bottom of my stomach. I was hungry and scared. And my puppy wouldn't stop yelping. He was hungry too. My stepfather took him out behind the wood pile. I heard a shot...and I never saw my puppy again. I was too afraid to cry...for fear of meeting the same fate as my puppy. To this day...I can't let myself bond with a dog.

My next jolt of memory was a couple of years later when my "Aunt Jody" held me and rocked me to sleep and told me how much she loved me. She read stories to me nightly from a book called Uncle Wriggly's Travels. Funny twisted stories of a Rabbit! I got my own Etch-A-Sketch and a little record player and the cutest yellow polka dot bikini. She was a Nurse at the hospital my Mom was in...and Aunt Jody and Uncle Cecil became my family. I remember feeling loved, and very special when I was with them.

I was in my Brownie Scout uniform just after the meeting. I was 6 or 7...there was an argument between my Aunt Jody and a nice looking tall man at the door. This man picked me up and ran to the car where a much younger woman...that I would soon get to know as my Stepmother, and her witch of a mom were waiting. I was again afraid to cry. I knew if I did...I was going to be taken somewhere and shot. We drove all night...it seemed like forever. I didn't really like these people...

Trying to settle in with my new "family" in North Carolina wasn't easy. I was confused and angry at the world and couldn't understand at such a young age why my Aunt Jody wasn't around. She SAID she loved me! Why did she give me away? The North Carolina family consisted of an older brother and sister...and a younger half sister...and of course my Stepmother's mom...the DEVIL in not so much of a disguise.

This new family eventually told me my Aunt Jody had died in hopes that I would settle down and stop wanting to go back to live with her. I guess I believed it...I had no choice. As in most unexpected situations we find ourselves in with groups of people we hardly know...we soon pick an ally. My older sister Kathy (I decided) was going to be my "earth angel" and she quickly took on the role as my protector and my best friend.

My parents fought like cats and dogs. Well...my Stepmom was the one who did the fighting...my Dad just kept his mouth shut. I wanted them to just be happy, and if this is what marriage was...I wanted no part of it when I grew up! I had never seen that with my Aunt Jody and Uncle Cecil...they were a very happy couple. But my Dad just did whatever the witch and my Step Mom wanted him to do...anything to keep the peace in the family. He worked at long hours at the fire department and also was a mechanic who had a garage behind the house. He worked all of the time...although we always had dinner together as a family. Looking back, I knew that money was tight. I never considered us poor...even though the girls had to take baths together to save water and money. Isn't that what all families did?

One night in early June...my older sister didn't come home. The phone rang while we were all at the dinner table. It was Kathy. She had run away to South Carolina at 15 to get married before her fiance' got sent to Vietnam. All hell broke loose! My stepmom started screaming, throwing dishes and wrecking the house and forbid my sister to ever come back home. I was not allowed to see her again and none of us were allowed to talk to her. I didn't know if my Stepmom had a gun...but I wasn't going to take a chance on finding out so I just kept quiet. My Sister, my protector and my best friend was gone in the blink of an eye. I was only 12...and my world as I knew it would never be the same.

There are lessons in life we learn...that we would be better off forgetting. I found out at a young age that love is indeed conditional. It is conditioned on how well you behave, lasts only as long as the people want you around and heaven forbid you do or say the wrong thing. I have learned that people disappear from your life even when you didn't do anything to send them away. They have to do what is best for them. But sometimes they try to convince you that it is what's best for you. I never bought that.

I am still trying to unlearn many lessons of youth. Relationships aren't easy. It's still difficult to trust anyone with my heart. I rarely meet anyone I am willing to take that chance with. And when I do...I run or seriously mess things up before giving it a chance. I put the perimeter walls up quickly. The fear of abandonment always surfaces. I may say or do the wrong thing and my world will end...again. During these times it all comes back to me in memories that I can't seem to suppress.

But life goes on. I have heard it said that God never gives you a dream...without also giving you the ability to make it come true. So I have a dream...and as idealistic as it is...I DO believe that it's possible. But for now...I must get better at understanding it all. And one day...I will no longer have a fear of being shot.

To Everything...There is a REASON

Every now and then we hear or see something so simply profound, it stops us in our tracks. That's how this very personal blog was "born".


I've been pretty much of a workaholic all of my life. It started when I was a single Mom, to make ends meet...I worked two jobs. Admittedly...it was a self induced survival strategy. I wanted to prove to myself and my EX that I could support my Son on my own. I wanted NO child support, and only asked for Eric's father to cover the cost of daycare and half of any medical expenses. Dumb move as I look back, but hindsight is always 20/20.


History had showed me in my 23 years of life that any and everyone I had learned to trust personally...would indeed let me down. I was afraid to trust again. So I set out on a mission to protect my Son and myself the best way I knew how. Self sufficiency would not protect us for long however. In a divorce...where children are concerned...eventually...the parent with the most toys WINS.

Learning how NOT to be a parent 24 hours a day can leave you emotionally searching for something to wrap your heart around. Like mini bouts of empty nest syndrome. Some get hobbies, some lose their minds, some self medicate...and the rest of us? Well...we WORK!


It wasn't the life I ordered, but it became what I was good at. The mask was something I could safely wear...with no questions asked...and no explanation needed.

Fast Forward>>>>>>>>>>>>>>August 2011>>>>>>Wake Up Call!


While at a sending off party for a friend--"Sandi, I'm going to think about you often. Every time I think about you I will think of work...because you are so dedicated and you work all the time". BAM BAM BAM....shot through the heart...and NOT by CUPID either!


Yes we all have to work, but to be remembered at the end of life's journey as someone who was so dedicated and worked all of the time...is NOT the legacy I choose to leave behind.


Hearing my friend say those words was Divine Intervention as far as I'm concerned. There's a reason God puts people in our path. There is often a lesson to be learned from every interaction...life is one big lesson...and when the student is ready...the teacher will come.


This student is ready. From now on...I'm going to listen to the teachers along my way...the song I hear...the news I read...the clouds as they make shapes across the sky. Rather than spending the remainder of my life worried about surviving the storm...I'm choosing to take every chance possible to dance barefoot in the rain. Won't you join me?